Inflated responsibility about the past

The two common types of inflated responsibility thoughts that people have about the past are how do I know with certainty that I didn’t do something that I’m afraid I did? And I actually did something that was against my values in the past. I cannot have compassion and forgive myself for that behavior.

How do I know with certainty that I didn’t do something that I’m afraid I did? If you have this fear, it’s likely that you replay the situation in your mind, searching for details about the situation either in your own memory, through asking other people, or through compulsive internet research. Thoughts feel like they are true, regardless of if they are rational or irrational and regardless of their actual truth. Thought-action fusion is when having a thought feels like it’s the same thing as behavior. Thoughts and behavior are not the same thing. Our minds can have thoughts that we don’t act on and those thoughts don’t mean anything about our character. If you have a thought you don’t like and you avoid in response to it, you start a vicious cycle of intrusions, avoidance, intrusions, avoidance. One opportunity to prevent an obsession-compulsive spiral or step out of one that is already occurring is to notice that your body is sensitized. Notice the feeling of urgency. Slow down. Ask yourself: What feelings am I feel and what sensations are occurring in my body? My body is sensitized, so the stickiness of this thought might be due to thought-action fusion, not a problem.

Our minds can have thoughts that we don’t act on and those thoughts don’t mean anything about our character.

I actually did something that was against my values in the past. I cannot have compassion and forgive myself for that behavior. If you have this fear, I have so many questions for you. In what way is self-criticism helpful to you? Will you become lazy, complacent, and a bad person if you show yourself compassion? Are you punishing yourself? What is the function of that self-punishment? In what way have you grown since that time? What contextual factors occurred that contributed to your behavior and what contextual factors are similar or different in your life now?

Common example of this are:

I’ve actually made a mistake at work that had devastating consequences, so now I have to check.

I’ve lost friends, family, or romantic relationships that I cared about, so now I need to check to make sure that I don’t lose relationships that are important to me.

My child and I have actually been very sick, so I need to make sure I/we don’t get contaminated.

I was in a car accident, so now I need to be very careful.

I did drugs or sexual activities that I don’t do anymore and now I have memories that I don’t like and/or I need to make sure that I’m not in similar situations now.

These are common examples, but there are so many other versions of this. In psychotherapy, you have the opportunity to discuss what happened, what’s different now, and whether or not forgiveness might be an option for you. Like avoidance, compassion and forgiveness are moment to moment decisions. You don’t forgive yourself once and then live with compassion forever. You can always try forgiving yourself for a few moments and then go back to beating yourself up if you don’t like it. Or, you can try forgiving yourself about one thing in one context and then expand on it, if you like it.