Emotional perfectionism

Exposure to anxiety without understanding and without curiosity or compassion is just torture. It’s just more of what you are already experiencing and it isn’t therapeutic. You aren’t doing something wrong if you can’t do something different when faced with some of your triggers. It just means that the mechanisms that maintain that response, whether cognitive or behavioral, are too sticky for you. We need more curiosity about what’s keeping you stuck and we need more patience and compassion while you’re practicing.

Clinical perfectionism says, There is a right way of doing things and I must always be acting the right way.

Emotional perfectionism says, There is a right way of feeling and I must always be feeling the right way.

When emotional perfectionism shows up about treatment, it says, There is a right way to get better and I must always be thinking, feeling, and acting in the right way to get better.

Here’s the paradox: There is a right way. The right way to approach exposure to anxiety is with curiosity, compassion, and patience. Trying to be perfectly curious and compassionate is the opposite of curiosity and compassion. Getting back to the basics of developing a curious and compassionate attitude, your path is through observing what’s happening.

If you must check, check on your attitude.

Emotional perfectionism is:

● Urgent (I must relate to this effectively right now!)

● Critical (I know what to do. Why can’t I do it?!?)

● Comparative (Other people don’t have this problem or are better at relating to it. What’s wrong with me?)

● Compulsive (What do I feel? What am I thinking? What do I feel now? Oh no, where did that thought come from? What does that mean? Am I better? Will I get better? Is that surrender? Oh no, why do I have that feeling now? What does that mean? Am I better? Will I get better?)

A curious and compassionate attitude towards recovery is:

● Patient (Some triggers are harder than others for me. I’m going to focus on my next step and take pride in my process.)

● Compassionate (Even though I intellectually know what to do, practicing it is really challenging. I’m very uncomfortable and it is really courageous to stay with this experience.)

● Self-respectful (Other people may have a different process than I do, but I choose to own my own process.)

● Curious (I’m noticing some sensations showing up. Let me describe them to myself. I’m noticing some thoughts too. Interesting. Is the content signaling anything to me or are my thoughts just sticky noise that showed up because I’m sensitized? Do I have any feelings now? Interesting. Maybe I have more than one feeling. Interesting…)

If your belief is that you will be better when you no longer experience anxiety or OCD, then checking whether you are experiencing anxiety and OCD is reasonable. Hopefully this explanation will help you understand why recovery is about how you relate to your experience, not whether anxiety and OCD show up.

If you must check, check on your attitude. Is your self-talk patient, compassionate, self-respectful, and curious?